Tuesday, November 13, 2007

GERBER BABY FOOD

(Dated Jan.28th 2007)

Gerber baby food letter

https://www.gerber.com/contactus dated 01/27/07

Dear sick sick people!

im writing you in hopes to stop the intolerable cruelties that YOU are responsible for. Ive seen advertisements for too long asking people to submit there children to be Gerber babies. Who is the individual who ground the 1st baby into that nasty-paste. Have we learned nothing from FOOT AND MOUTH disease ? If we feed our human babies other babies were no better then the machines (the ones that grind them into gerber food) We are living in an age where we should feel safe for the well being of our children. How do millions and millions of people do this daily and still feel like good people when watching the 5 o'clock news ??? BABY MURDERS the whole lot of them!

Anthony Morris

CEO of CAUT INC.

P.S. I do really enjoy your product! I just think eating babies should be a choice
made by a responsible adult, and not forced onto you from the time of birth.

SECRET DEODERANT

(Dated Jan.27th 2007)

Business proposal for marketing manager of Secret deodorant

YOU MAY NOTICE IN THIS LETTER IVE CHANGE IM CLOSING FROM "Complaining About Uesless Things INC." to "CAUT INC." IM HOPING BY DOING THIS THEY MAY TAKE MY LETTER A LITTLE MORE SERIOUSLY AND "CAUT" WORKS OUT ESPECIALLY WELL FOR THIS LETTER IN PARTICULAR!

www.secret.com

Im writing you in referance to the slogan "Strong enough for a man, made for a woman" now im planning a proposal to launch a new campaign. I would very much appreciate being able to use this. with this as a patented phrase well known to be attanched your your Secret Brand deodorant would there have to be royalties paid for the usage? I still havent presented my campaign idea yet, awaiting a response before from you 1st.

To fill you in on exactly what you would be lending your slogan to i'll fill you in a little bit. I have an opportunity to present through our judicial system a new anti jail rape campaign in all male facilities. Im thinking "Storng enough for a man, made for a woman" is the exact slogan for this, i mean they'll all get a good laugh but still get the message the penis is a sexual reproductive organ meant for the opposite sex, not for physically forced activity on your fellow man.

If you could please respond ASAP i have to get to work on the minor details still left.

Anthony Morris
CEO of CAUT Inc.

WORLD VISION

(Dated Jan.24th 2007)

***THIS LETTER WAS BY FAR,WITHOUT A DOUBT A HUGE SUCCESS!!! I NEVER DID RECEIVE A RESPONSE LETTER...BUT I DID EARN MYSELF OVER 500 HATE EMAILS FROM READERS WHO HAD A PROBLEM WITH IT...HAHA CHALK THAT ONE ONTO POINTS FOR ME...TOTAL SCORE: ME. 500pts REST OF SOCIETY. eat my dick, i thought the letter was funny but you've combine accomplished more than me so, say 501pts***

World Hunger Solution letter

To: www.worldvision.com

mailed to Info@worldvision.org

World Vision!

The work you do is most admirable! Work with multiple organizations throughout the world to put a stop to hunger.What could be more a more respectable thing? I have recently been putting some thought into the work you do and think ive been able to come up with a simple, highly effective solution if we are only able to get this ball rolling! Now culturally this may not be widely accepted at the moment,but mind you beggars cant be choosers. I think its time you contact the SPCA and other simular organizations. Every day Nationwide there are Dogs and Cats being youthinized! Now dont you think it would be great to feed these animals to starving people ? In some Eastern countries these can be served as delicacies and in North America were wasting it? I think its time we all look at the bigger picture and kill 2 birds with one stone (not that i approve of killing birds with rocks) we can fix our growning animal problem as well as our starving people problem by combining forces. Canabalism is a little more controversial of a solution, but it would probably (literally) cut the starvation problem in half as well...Just a little "food for thought".

Anthony Morris
CEO of Complaining About Useless Things INC.

ZARA CLOTHING

(Dated Jan.22nd 2007)


zara clothing letter

http://www.zara.com/i06/index.html

(For the record this is a made up situation hahahaha)

Well heres the current situation...As far as your clothing goes i happen to be a big fan.They look great, feel great, and have a long life.So i'll start with a thank you. So "thank you".My problem is with how hard it is to un-do the button on your Womens Jeans. Its been quite the task on several occasions, a race if you will, to get my girlfriends pants off before i lose my erection( i have poor circulation in my corpus cavernosa ) Now am i doomed to a life long battle of the jeans ? im writing you in hopes you can make a more easily accessable pair of pants (Velcro?) so people all over the world with simular difficulties can enjoy the animalistic plessures of sex too!

Anthony Morris
CEO of Complaining about useless things INC.

ROYALE TOILET PAPER

(Dated Jan.21st 2007)


Royale toilet paper letter

http://www.royale.ca/tlk_main.asp

I believe every family has a person preferance as to what toilet paper they use.My whole life ive used your Royale kitten soft brand, but it only got me so far...i began thinking where did the referance "kitten soft" come from ??? I mean wipping your ass with a fluffy kitten isnt as plesant as it sounds, trust me on this one. First off they make ALOT of noise, and secondly good luck getting away without a scratch (no pun intended) Isnt there any kind of laws against animal testing ? Is there no justice in the world ? FREE OUR KITTENS! why should they suffer while you fatcats make money?(again no pun intended)do you think in cat world they wipe the asses with people ??? no! they lick them clean! as should we me friends...as should we...

Anthony Morris

CEO of Complaining About Useless Things INC.

RADIO RESUME

(Dated Jan.15th 2007)

***This is a great one as well, just due to the great lengths i went for a response. Some of my Previous Letters had gotten me onto a major radio show. As the live show went on it was asked why i write these. I told the co-host Nira i want her Job, this letter was written after i got off the Air. Now the attention these got me was incredible, my blog was now getting thousands of daily readers...which worked well for me... When "BOSS CHRIS" failed to respond after a week, i posted the letter including this heading***

THAT LINK IS DIRECTLY TO HIS PERSONAL EMAIL ANYONE WHO WANTS ME TO GET A RESPONSE SEND HIM A MESSAGE TELLING HIM TO GET BACK TO ME!!! I WROTE HIM A WEEK AGO AND HE STILL HAS SAID NOTHING


Well hello there Chris Meyer!

I'm hoping this is addressed to the correct person. I have written a few letters to random places in the last 2-3 weeks and have been posting them as a blog on my myspace. I was able to get Kid Carson to take a look last night. I awake this morning to my cell phone ringing off the hook with 15 missed calls by 830. Well what a wonderful way to wake up! My letters being read and discussed on the Air. I called in and was put on the air without any kind of wait, and the discussion led to WHAT the purpose of these letters is. There really is no point other than the entertainment of myself. I am informally applying for a job to be on the show with Kid Carson, it came up in discussing (on Air) that i want Nira's job and we'll turn it into the man show in the mornings.She asked how i'd do it, to which i replied "write a letter of course." I have an extensive resumee that i will send if your interested. To catch your attention heres a few examples:

1. I can run really fast
2. I can almost dunk a basketball (ALMOST)
3. I once caught a humming bird with my bare hands
4. I sponsor a child though Christians Childrens Fund
5. I'm quick with words, and quite witty in banter
7. I can count to like a billion

HUH ? hows that sound ? If not i understand, im pretty sure the United Nations should be responding about a job annnnnnyyyyy day now.

Anthony Morris
CEO of Complaining about useless things INC.

P.S. if you could pass this message on to Kid Carson and Nira that would be great and i'll keep a possition open in the United Nations for you if you fail at running a Radio station.

***************************RESPONSE**********************************
***6 days with nothing, but when i posted the letter anyhow, with his personal email i received this the next morning***

Hi Anthony, I'd admire your enthusiasm! At this time we're not looking... but keep in touch! you never know! Usually we require a background in the biz so if you're really interested you should consider a b'casting school.

Chris M.

***pretty weak, but that aside the was something that made it all worth it, i received an additional email from a woman who works as his assistant i believe it was? I hd tried to find it prior to transfering these over, as it was sent to my Myspace Inbox, but to no avail...the just of it was how i made everyones day by pissing Chris off with over 400 emails from random people telling him to reply***

FEBREEZE ADDICTION

(Dated Jan.14th 2007)

LETTER TO ADDICTION HELP 01/14/07

Info@AddictionAndAlcoholChoices.com

My name is Anthony Morris...and i have an addiction. Well APPARENTLY i have one. i don't seem to find in to be a problem, but if i'm writing you then i'm beginning to question it myself. My roommate approached me in this last week, almost an intervention if you will. I am Highly addicted to "Febreeze". This is not a joke, i go through a bottle a day just spraying on on a cloth and smelling it! I didnt see anything wrong with it, its a much better alternative to regular air with all its smells and such...but its now starting to become a problem in my work place, i work in an office and others around me are having a problem with it. My boss had me in his office Friday afternoon to discuss this but i cant really find a way to stop...This may sound like an odd request but do you have anything, informations, alternative substance, SOMETHING that can help me ??? i will include my email address in hopes of a speedy response.

Shabaz_01@hotmail.com

Anthony Morris
CEO of Complaining About Useless Things INC.

LEVER 2000 SOAP

(Dated Jan.8th 2007)

***This one is still a personal favorite of mine, I didn't Do anything to get them know, yet i woke up one morning to this one being READ on air on the Kidd Carson morning show (94.5 The Beat) Also the most listened to Radio show in BC. This was the start to a few radio shows***

lever2000 response

LETTER TO LEVER 2000
(Spcl-ConsumerCentre.CA-LP-Tor@unilever.com ) dated 01/06/07

Hello!

My Name is Anthony Morris, i have been using your lever 2000 for the
majority of my life. However i'm beginning to question my personal my hygene...your commercial states "for all your 2000 parts" Now i've sat down and counted and i have only come up with about 96 body parts!!! (eyes don't count right ??? because that STINGS !!!) Which means the self cleaning shower ritual i've felt confident with for the last 20 odd years has been insufficient! On average (mathematically speaking) im only cleaning less than 5% of my body! So i thought to myself "why not ask the experts". I am providing my email adress, mailing adress and phone number. If you could PLEASE reply and send me a comprehensive list deailing all your 2000 body parts it would be much appreciated!

P.S. if you could also mail me a few am bars with the list i would be forever greatful, as once i receive the 2000 parts list i plan on making up on missed cleaning by showering for hours to work out a new routine.

Email: shabaz_01@hotmail.com

Phone: (999) 999-9999

Adress: xxxx xxxxxx street # 999
Victoria BC Canada xxx xxx

Anthony Morris
CEO of Complaining about useless things INC.

( I HAVE 9'D OUT MY PHONE NUMBER AND X'D OUT MY ADRESS FOR PRIVACY PURPOSES TO POST THIS)


-----------------------------RESPONSE !!!------------------------------


Hi Anthony,

Thanks for writing!

Sorry, we do not have any such actual list. The 2000 body parts idea was created as a campaign to launch the Lever 2000 brand. 2000 was chosen as a strong, modern number at the time it was developed which was the mid 1980's. This being said however, if you create a grid of 2000 evenly sized squares and map it on the skin of an average sized North American adult, you would have 2000 distinct parts of the body. Not all of them have names but they could all be numbered. We have talked about many of them in our advertising since the launch (the tip of your nose, your pinky finger, the tip of your elbow, your love handle, the spot behind your knee, your big toe, etc.). All these could be numbered to come to 2000 parts.

We hope this information is helpful,
Your friends at Lever 2000

khw

LeBron James

(Dated Dec.18th 2006)

LETTER TO THE CAVALIERS
(http://www.nba.com/cavaliers/news/contact_us.html)

You currently have playing for your team L.James, argueably one of the strongest brightest stars playing in the league today. Has he been cloned ? and dont try and tell me otherwise I SAW THE NEW NIKE COMMERCIAL!!! Theres 4 of him, and those must just be the ones that are fully grown(well except for the kid one, but hes able to speak and is already resembling L.James.) Now what is the purpose ? the 2008 Olympics? A new dream team ? and how come the others arnt playing in the league ? Is there some sort of clause put into effect in the NBA reguarding cloning ?

Sorry for so many questions, sadly these are the kind of things that keep me up at night...

PLEASE RESPOND

Anthony Morris
CEO of Complaining about useless things INC.

DEPARTMENT OF DEFENCE

(Dated Dec.17th 2006)

LETTER TO THE US DEPARTMENT OF DEFENCE
(http://www.defenselink.mil/faq/comment.aspx)

I have been following closely the ongoing war overseas. I think its time we start taking into consideration the well being of our brave soldiers...There dying over there for their country needlessly! Hollywood has a WAREHOUSE filled with perfectly good robots from the I-ROBOT movie. I mean first off have you seen that movie ? There are WAY stronger than people!!! and secondly, being robots there is no loss of human life! Just a thought... OBVIOUSLY you would have to develop a better control chip then they had in that movie so they dont rebel. but that wouldn't be too hard. I saw on Futurama that all robots a built with a good/evil switch, so you just have to make sure you switch it to "good". Please feel free to email back what you think! I have a few other great ideas if your interested.
Like flying tanks !!!

Best regards,

Anthony Morris
CEO of Complaining about useless things INC.


***** The only thing i got as far as a response for this was a return email saying simply "You're an Idiot" with No name attached...***

UNITED NATIONS

(dated Dec.15th 2006)

LETTER TO THE UNITED NATIONS (WWW.UN.ORG)
( i present them with the idea of Communism...
with a new name...)

1st off i would like to start this letter to congratulate you on your ongoing efforts in the middle east. These efforts are not going unnoticed or unappreciated. I write you with just a small sudgestion that would make your greater goal much easier to achieve. With so many countries and so many languages it is apparent that several messages are not relayed as they were ment(lost in translation). I think that the UN should vote on an official language for the organization as the primary form of communication! (you seem complex problems sometimes require simple answers!!!) Once you are unified under one language you would have to elect a leader(or president)for the UN,as all countries are not equal you can have someone to mediate which ideas need to be adressed in order of urgency. I believe I have a great understanding about the current situation the world is in. I am willing to greatfully accept the possition of president of the United Nations. Please seriously consider my offer to take this job as i have a vision of a greater world! Where there is no Rich or Poor. Where all Men and women can sit at a table equally. Where everyone can posses the same things,and earn the same money for work! I call it "EQUALISM" (genius isn't it ?)

Awaiting Hopeful,

Anthony Morris
CEO of Complaining about useless things INC.

MENSA

(Dated Dec.14th 2006)
***Spelling and grammatical errors intentional due to nature of the letter***


LETTER TO MENSA (club membership is IQ based)

Spending countless hours surfing the internet,taking logic test to
exercise my cranium (though occasionally for self plesuring pornographic
material) i have recently been enlightened with the exsitance of your
organization. I'd be delighted to be a member of such high statue and
continue to sastisfy my ever hungrier for knowledge. It has come to my
attention you have experts in most every field immaginable! I have become
well know in the paranormal community with irrefutable evidence of
the Rowsell cover-up. In september of 2005 i was able to infiltrait the
compounds and steal an actual youth alien corpse (or possibly a human
fetus, either way, with that i can confirm illigal stem cell research). With my
hand now on the table, i think we can both agree i would be a highly valuable
asset to MENSA.

Paitiently awaiting your response,

Anthony Morris
CEO of Complaining about useless things INC.

BIRTHCONTROL.COM

(dated Dec.13th 2006)

LETTER TO WWW.BIRTHCONTROL.COM


In recent times i have become more sexually active. In order to
maintain safe,responsible relations i began taking Ortho Tri Cyclen
Lo.I did a fair bit of research and shopping around to find what
would suit my body and personal needs the best. I am highly active
with multiple partners and the efficiency of this particular brand
of control is now coming into question. I have been on it for
approximately 5 months (give or take) and I have still impregnated
several girls. Am i using the product incorrectly ? Like i mentioned
i DID alot of research on the product and assumed i made the right
choice, but pregnancies aside (as nothing is 100% effective)
i have been suffering from sporadic mood swings and a
severe decrease in mass in the testicular region...if you could
respond with some advised it would be greatly appreciated !

Anthony Morris
CEO of complaining about useless things INC.

FORD MOTORS

(dated Dec.12th 2006)

LETTER TO FORD MOTORS


I am now to understand that your organization is the most
predominately powerful Motor company in the Free world. Now
with such a vast control of the market don't you think its
about time you release the Flying cars that we saw on the
Jetsons so many years ago? And yes i do realize the the Jetsons
are a cartoon! But what you may not be aware of is it was
based on actual events! So i KNOW the technology exsits...
i mean scientists were able to devise a Nuclear device
back in World War II !!! and that was like ? 200 years ago.
So quite holding out on the general public, you've already
built at least one, my roommate saw Henry Ford driving one
just last week.

Thank you for your time,

Anthony Morris
CEO of Complaining about useless things INC.


-----------------------------RESPONSE !!!------------------------------------

Dear Mr Morris,

Thank you for contacting the Ford of Canada Customer Relationship Centre. We received your message sent on 12/11/2006 regarding the flying cars.We pride ourselves on becoming the world's leading consumer company for automotive products and services, and the satisfaction and safety of our customers is one of our highest priorities. Our Engineering department is always looking into possible ways to improve our products and services.

Feedback such as yours is highly valued by Ford of Canada. We have documented your feedback and the information you provided has been forwarded to various departments within Ford. You will ONLY be contacted if a specific department requires more information or clarification.

Mr Morris, your roommate must have been mistaken with his identification. HenryFord died a very long time ago, could be a lookalike.

If you have any other inquiries or concerns, please feel free to contact us and
we will be happy to address them.

Thank you for contacting Ford of Canada.

Sincerely,
Steadman
Ford of Canada Customer Relationship Centre

Letters to Websters Dictionary

(dated Dec 11th 2006)

LETTER TO WEBSTERS DICTIONARY

I'm writing you to address the Spelling of the word "sense".
Now understandably it is spelled like that (correctly),
but with the computer age, i believe there should be common
typical errors taken into consideration. With the possitioning
of the letters on the keyboard i've seen way to often it
spelled with a "CE" instead of "SE" (ex.sence) Now does
this mean i have no education? Not able to spell a simple
5 letter word ? No, its a matter of convenience. I DO
expect your to take care of this in a timely manner by
recalling all dictionaries in circulation and correcting this.
Thank you for your time, i must keep this short as i have
to write a letter to Mr.Quaker about the color co-ordination
of his Granola Bars.

Sincerely,

Anthony Morris
CEO of Complaining about useless things Inc.


-----------------------------RESPONSE !!!------------------------------------

Dear Anthony:

Thanks for your e-mail. Unfortunately, we can't simply change the spelling of a word at whim. The change can only be made if there is evidence in current written prose for your proposed spelling. As you may know, we enter words in our dictionaries based on their use in current printed and edited sources. For a word to be entered into our dictionaries, it must meet three criteria: widespread usage in well-read publications; established usage over a certain period of time; and an easily discernable definition. For "sence" to be entered, then, it will need to appear in a number of well-read print sources for a good number of years. When we've collected enough citations for the word, we will enter it into our dictionary.

I'm sorry to disappoint, but hope that in any case I've helped explain the situation. Thanks for taking the time to write.

Cordially,
Kory Stamper, Associate Editor
Merriam-Webster, Inc.